(Just to warn you, this is going to be really sappy, and pretty cheesy. I'm just in that kind of mood.)

Lately, I've been in this funk that I just can't seem to shake. And by lately, I'm pretty sure I mean for the last few years. Call it part of cruel cruel adolescence or whatever, but I've just been really down about establishing my own identity and securing a future that I'll be happy with. I have my ups and my downs, but really, it's nothing but emotion swinging me this way and that. I could come up with a million excuses as to why I'm not happy with who I am/where I am/why I am, but really it all comes down to how I handle these inconveniences and negative influences on my life. The news gets me down; our country is corrupt and dishonest, I'm going to be paying for todays economic turmoil for the rest of my life, back and forth conflict between everyone and anyone. I usually put my head down and try to ignore all the broadcasts and interviews, but I'm constantly reminded by not only an overwhelmingly connected media-based society, but also by both my parents who are directly connected to all the wire feeds and unpublished stories that leave them constantly stressed out about their retirement and my future. Not to mention both of them are standing on shaky grounds as far as employment goes, cuts are constantly being made to the publication staff, including an upcoming 25% pay cut for my parents. All that means is they do the jobs of 4-5 people for less and less money, making them extremely stressed out and scared of tomorrow.

Anyways, that's beside the point. It's up to me to determine what makes me happy, and how I deal with the things in my life. Up until now, I've been obsessed with the notion that I need to do well in school so I can get a college degree so I can get a well-paying job. I don't really know why I need the money, besides maybe to pay off all the student loans I'm constantly racking up working to get through college. My parents installed this into my life plans early on, as it's whats really important to them. I want to make them happy by making them proud of me, but I believe that they'll always love me no matter whatever I decide to do with my life. I've been thinking about who I am more and more, and really, so far I'm just a cookie cutter American 20-year old. I had playmates, I went through preschool-kindergarden-elementary-junior high-high school, I liked Pokémon, I'm a confirmed Lutheran, I'm an Eagle Scout, I've had a job since I was 16, I try to play guitar, I graduated high school with a 3.0 GPA, now I'm attending an average university in an average town with plans to graduate. Unfortunately, the next step isn't so clear. I don't think I mind though. It's uncomfortable for me because it's what I'm used to, but I'm trying to let go a bit of trying to be the perfect American citizen. This doesn't mean I'm going to give up or try any less hard to do well in my studies or getting a job, just that it's not the end-of-the-world if things don't turn out how my parents or I imagined. I could graduate college with a bachelors in Journalism/Mass Communications studies or Advertising, and it could mean absolutely nothing to employers. I'm basically paying loads of money/working my ass off for a fancy piece of paper that claims that I know something about stuff. Unfortunately, since it's the norm, practically everyone else who can afford it gets the same thing. I'm better at things as I make mistakes and work at fixing them. I believe that I could get thrown into an advertising firm or magazine publication right now, and be rather successful after a few years of trial and error. Unfortunately, it's hard to be accepted or successful without first earning a college degree, so therefore, I'll put up with my liberal arts education. The value of a college degree constantly decreases, while the costs seem to constantly increase. It's dumb, but everyone has to deal with it.

If I were to graduate, and then be stuck without a career, I don't think I'd mind too much. I like working, but I also like traveling. I could hop a train and move around the world, moving from small town to small town, city to city, and just find an experience that genuinely makes me happy. Since I have no idea what I want to do, or where I want to go, I need to search for it. My entire life will probably be made up of this search of who I am and what makes me happy.

And that's what I wanted to make this post about, what makes me happy. I just got out of my developmental psychology lecture, where the professor asked us to do this exercise to try and remember our earliest memory, and get as much definition and description as we could out of it. I remembered back to when I was about 3 years old, in blue feety pajamas, running down a hallway in my house to find a plastic slide I had, completely stringed with candy-canes. Remembering this unlocked a whole bunch of happy childhood memories I have that I haven't really thought about for a long long time.

I remember:
•My grandmother and grandfather taking me to Camp Snoopy at the Mall of America as a toddler
•Playing with parachutes in ECFE classes with Mrs. Bensen as the "instructor"
•Hiding underneath the sandbox table with my best friend Sean Struble at Valentine Hills for kindergarden
•Helping Sean and his family pack the moving truck the day he moved away
•Playing with the stray Kittens on the beach at the old trailer house we had for awhile up at Cozy Cabin Camp in Brainerd with my Grandmother. Diet Pepsi and Goldfish while watching the nightly news.
•My mother taking me to Twins games, and how happy she was when I would buy her collectables with my allowance money
•My first wallet. It was blue, and velcro.
•Staring out the blinds at the stars at my daycare every night while I waited for my parents to pick me up at 1 a.m.
•Walking up to Anna Hadley during art class in kindergarden and asking if she wanted to be friends because my mother said I should
•Peanut Butter and Jelly on WHITE bread with bananas after A.M. kindergarden at Anna's house.
•Falling out of a tree fort in one of Anna's neighbors yards. It was that icy kind of snow.
•Meeting my neighbor Angela Heurung while helping my parents with yard work because her bunny escaped
•All of the crazy adventures Angela and I got into, including our beloved clubhouse and playing with unfinished parts of her house.
•Ice Cream socials and band practices throughout Island Lake
•Building stilts at Kevin Anderson's house for a cubscout meeting
•Birthdays at Lava Links and the community center
•How Monique called french fries "chips" after she transferred to Island Lake
•Watching The Matrix at Joe Carlson's house. My first R rated movie.
•How Anna Savchinco (Brockway) won almost every "graduating award" from Island Lake
•Biking from Turtle Lake to Anna Brockway's house with Anna, Maddy, and Alicia while the sun was setting
•Making movies with Tyler Bradley, and Kevin Anderson. Also the José and Ezmereldah crew
•Going to a MV football game with Anna Hadley, Sarah Koch, and Sherry Zhang. There was lots of fuzzies in the air, it looked like snow.
•Biking in the pouring rain to go watch Sydney Emanuelson play soccer at Chippewa. Almost hit dead on by a FedEx truck
•Too many scouting memories to list. Favorite probably being how surprised I survived a weekend of clearing rocks out of river beds, sleeping only on a tarp in the woods, living off a slice of bread and cheese.
•Watching Groundhog Day at Rebecca Rassmuesen's House. I'm no good at DDR.
•Hanging out at Megan Sparke's house the last few weeks/days of freshman year of MV
•Trying to fly a kite with Megan
•Watching belegarth fights at McCullough park with Andrew Larkin and Kevin Anderson
•Listening to Minus The Bear with Andrew down Lexington after he got his drivers license
•Getting accidentally rejected by Maddy Stephens behind Snyders when I tried to ask her to homecoming, then everything working out anyways
•Rushing around to find corsages last minute with Andrew before sophomore year homecoming
•Biking to Damla Erten's house, only to find the Piersacks. Finally finding the right house and watching Roseville Middle School video hightlights with Kaitlyn Herrick and Damla in her basement
•Canoeing with Julia Baker down the St. Croix river. Always will think of her when I hear "Here Comes the Sun"
•Christmas at Aeli Rosin's house. Stuffed Santas, sledding, snowball fights.
•Throwing a "surprise" birthday party for David Larrabee in his own house. Water gun fight, and camp fire in backyard.
•Going to Chipotle with Liu Liu and Damla
•Going through the Arby's Drive-thru 6 times with Trent Huhn, Beth Bambery, Damla, TT, and Andrew.
•Sitting in my Honda Civic in the community center parking lot talking with Damla the night before it was totaled.
•A whole mess of more recent happy memories from high school that I should probably write down instead, but will never forget. You know who you are, and I love you all.

Point being, I've had a great childhood full of wonderful people. Whether you're reading this cause you still Xanga, or you googled your own name or something; Thank you for being in my life. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, and it's my own responsibility to maintain my own happiness in the present and future. The people in my life have changed, and so have I, but my memories will always remain close to my heart. I've often let my occasional blues overtake me and trick me into letting go of whats important to me, and I often regret my emotionally influenced decisions. But from here on out, no matter what happens to me, or wherever I end up, I can always look back on my memories and realize how great my life really is.

this is how i want to remember this winter.

p.s. love you nate.

bored. someone take me out back.